Thursday, October 25, 2012

Shepherd's Journal, Day 1

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RECORDING FROM PERMALINK, SECTOR 5.100.2
DISCOVERED 26 DAYS POST REGIONAL SANITATION

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1822:03:0208 (sighs)
There's... so much around. But it's not what I need. (sniffles)  Not what I need to survive.  Where is the precious (unintelligible) the-- the life-giving stuff that revitalizes me?  Where is the-- a break in the noise just long enough for me get my focus back?  My mind... is-- is a weary wasteland.  But I’m glad I found this journal.

1823:20:8712
When you're all alone, you just-- you start to believe everything you tell yourself.  Your need for companionship, for interaction- it creates a break, it causes a separation, a -a schism within. (sniffles) ...I know this because I am alone.  I'm alone and I'm not of one mind, and, and I can hardly hear myself think over the overwhelming buzzing of endless,  of, of mindless, evil thoughts.  They're not my own.  They come from somewhere else.. It's as if a spirit has settled... inside of me, and taken root.  I’m going to keep this journal, but I'm not sure why.  It's the last reflex of a corned cat.  I am cornered, and I shall surely die soon.  But it's best not to think on it.  Because that's when the evil thoughts resurface. 

1825:12:0317
Today, I cut myself trying to gather wood for the fire.  The blood-- so red- it dribbled out slowly like a velvet sash from my forearm.  It stained the grass, and the leaves, and the dirt... It reflected the sunlight and looked like shimmering red stones all over the ground.  I wanted to see more of it!  But no.  That’s not me! That’s the schism, the void, the evil.  It's (coughs) It wants me... to die, and sometimes I want me to die too. 

1826:50:0243
Maybe there is someone else out there, someone alive like me.  I'm wrestling with the idea of leaving my encampment.  But I'm safe here, now.  This I know for certain...  All else is uncertainty.  There is only here, now and the universe- that's it.  There is only me and then everything that plots to end me...  Yeah...Tomorrow I will check the clearing.  If it's been three years, I leave.  If it's been five, I stay.  Neither option is good; (sighs) Death waits just outside of anything I do.  Inaction is action.  Any action hastens my end.
 
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This is Leimann Shepherd, recording.  And this is zero point zero point one; Day One.


Far Enough Photo